Sunday, November 1, 2009


I remember when I was a kid, and I'd go trick-or-treating, and most years I'd make my own costumes, and they were all crap, you know, like the ghost, which was just an old sheet with two eye holes torn into it. Then, one year, my parents got me a superman costume, it even came with a mask, and on the side of the box that it came in, it had written. "WARNING - Do Not Attempt To Fly." I like to picture the kid that is actually stupid enough to think he could fly in the costume, but smart enough to check out the warning label before he put it on. The year when I had the superman costume, I got really annoyed, because of the mask, you know how it has that little piece of string that is stapled on, so your head stays in? Well, as with any of those masks, the string kept breaking, and I kept fixing it, and it kept getting tighter and tighter every time I fixed it, until I was at the point where the mask was cutting into my eyeballs and I was trying to breath through those little nose holes, and thinking, "I can't see and I can't breath, but I don't care! Where the hell is the candy?!"
But then, finally I had enough of the mask, and I grabbed it and I threw in to the ground. I remember the last years that I went trick-or-treating, I was a little too old for it. The people at the houses would always ask those same stupid questions. "What are you suppose to be young man?" "I'm suppose to be done by now, so give me the candy. I've got another 18 houses on this street, sweetheart. So shake a leg woman."
This year I decided to stay at home and get pissed off by all the kids ringing the doorbell saying "Trick or treat?"

Saturday, September 19, 2009


A friend of mine, who is in his 30's, got engaged about five years ago, but he didn't want to get married, and that's the closest he came to ever being married, and let me tell you, if you get engaged, but don't want to get married, it's more than a little tense. I got to be a best man at a wedding about two weeks ago, which was pretty good I thought, it was a pretty good title, you know, best man, which I thought was a bit too much, I thought there would be the groom, and a pretty good man, I thought that would be more than enough; if I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Men will never know what women want, and women will never know what men want, so for the women who read this, I'll let you in for what men want... men want woman, that's all we want, and that's all we know, how do we get women? We have no clue. You see men honking their car horns and waving out the window and hollering at good looking women, that is the best idea we've come up with so far; but that is still a pretty stupid idea; what is the woman suppose to do? Kick off the heels and start running down the street after the car. "It's a good thing you honked, otherwise how else would I have known how you felt?"
Men even went to the moon to look for women, you know how I know? Because they took that little buggy up with them, why else would you take a car if you weren't trying to impress a woman? That buggy was sooo a man idea, isn't going to the moon enough? You have to drive around on it now too?

Cabs and Planes.

For some reason I always feel safe in a taxi, the driver could be driving like a maniac and swerving through red lights, but I think, "Well, he's got a Cab Drivers License. He must know what he's doing, he's a professional." What qualifications do you need to become a taxi driver? I think a face is all you need. We will have no blank faces behind the wheel of cab. I think the only other qualification you need beside a face is a name with about six consonants in a row in it. What does the circle with the line through it mean? What planet does that come from? You need a periodic table to report the guy. "Yes, his name was Akmal, with the symbol for Boron."
What annoys me about the airport, it the price of everything in the stores. "Yes that's right, $15.50 for a tuna sandwich."
And on the plane, how they show you how to to put on your life jacket, and they show you how to put on the seat belt. Even if it is your first on a plane, it's pretty easy to put on the belt, do they think when they tell people how to put them on, they're saying. "Oh, you have to press the button to undo the belt, I was going to break the metal apart, or tear the fabric, if I could only get it started."
And when they tell you that if there is an accident, just put on your life jacket and you'll be right. If they were being realistic they'd say, "In the unlikely result of an accident, we'll likely go into the ground like a fucking dart."

Horse Racing.

I never really have much to do, so I'm always up for suggestions for things to do, and the other day, my uncle talked me into going to the track, to bet on the horses. I think the horses don't have any clue they're racing, they know the jockey must be in a hurry, but it must be confusing for the horse, because they were in a big hurry, and then they get to the end of the race, and they must be thinking, "This is the place we left from, if we just didn't leave we would've been the first ones back." And when they are going back to the shed, they wouldn't be thinking "Yes! I came first." They'd be thinking "Oat bag, I get my oat bag now." And I'm suppose to bet on these idiots. One thing I know the horses don't know, is that if they trip, and break their leg or something, they get their brains blown out, I think they're missing out on that nugget of information, if they knew that, they wouldn't be running so fast. I've been horse riding before, I'm just not good at it, and they don't give you a very good horse when you don't know how to ride. They said to me, "What level rider would you say you are?"
I said, "I don't know, zero, nothing, however the hell the system works... I can't do it, is that clear enough for you? I'm going where the horse wants to go. That's my level."
Then they go out the back and say, "Is Glue Stick back yet?"
Then I get on the back of this fat U shaped thing, it's the only horse in the joint where you could still put your feet flat on the ground while you were sitting on it... it was like I was riding a hammock. Then I'm riding this thing, and I have no clue what I'm doing, so it is just wandering around doing it's own thing, and then it just stops, and I'm going, "Oh, come on." Then it just looks up as if to say, "Yeah, I know what I'm doing Hop-a-long, I've done this track a million times... yeah, yeah, kick me a few more times while I'm taking a leak, that will help."
You know what I think is really bad about the horses life? The trailer they move them around in, with their rear ends sticking out, right in everyone's faces.
the horses are probably standing in there, talking to each other.
"Do you feel a draft Bill? I can't see anything back there, but it is awfully breezy, isn't it? You don't think our fat disgusting asses are sticking out the back of this trailer do you? Why would they do that to us? They already ride us and kick us while we're peeing, why stick our asses out of a truck?

My Three Rules Of Life.

My three rules of life, that I believe could really help you in life, are:
1) Bust your arse.
2) Pay attention.
3) Fall in love.
Bust your arse - Just work as hard as you can, you can't go wrong if just work as hard as you can, just work your arse off.
Pay attention - People don't noticed things enough, people don't see things until it hits them in the face, so pay attention to everything that is happening around you, absorb everything, ask questions, it'll help you learn.
Fall in love - This doesn't necessarily mean love in a romantic sense. The main thing I mean here is, appreciate everything good that happens, no matter how little, or insignificant it may seem, just be grateful for it, if you get a really good cup of coffee, really take time to notice it, think to yourself, "Yes, this is a really good coffee, it could be a terrible shitty coffee, but it's not." or if you get a good parking space... if something good happens, really appreciate it.

Monday, August 31, 2009

My Birthday.

I just thought I'd mention that it's my 16th birthday today, the 1st of September. Yay! I haven't gotten many gifts. :(